


Pure Heart Can't See

by rhiannonhero



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: BDSM, Bondage, M/M, Submission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-18
Updated: 2011-05-18
Packaged: 2017-10-19 13:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/201264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhiannonhero/pseuds/rhiannonhero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you to Jed, <a href="http://peggin.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://peggin.livejournal.com/"><b>peggin</b></a>, <a href="http://amelialourdes.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://amelialourdes.livejournal.com/"><b>amelialourdes</b></a>, <a href="http://users.livejournal.com/_alicesprings/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://users.livejournal.com/_alicesprings/"><b>_alicesprings</b></a> and <a href="http://supergrover24.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://supergrover24.livejournal.com/"><b>supergrover24</b></a> for the beta reads at various stages!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Pure Heart Can't See

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Jed, [](http://peggin.livejournal.com/profile)[**peggin**](http://peggin.livejournal.com/), [](http://amelialourdes.livejournal.com/profile)[**amelialourdes**](http://amelialourdes.livejournal.com/), [](http://users.livejournal.com/_alicesprings/profile)[**_alicesprings**](http://users.livejournal.com/_alicesprings/) and [](http://supergrover24.livejournal.com/profile)[**supergrover24**](http://supergrover24.livejournal.com/) for the beta reads at various stages!

Luke wiped the palms of his hands on his thighs, looking around the restaurant again to see if Noah had arrived.

"We’re early," Reid pointed out. "Relax."

"I know…I just…I guess I’m just excited."

"Yeah, I think it’s more like nervous, but you tell yourself whatever you want."

Luke chuckled, and glanced over his shoulder again. "Nervous? No…no, I’m not nervous. I’m --"

Reid looked at Luke but said nothing more.

"Fine. I mean, Noah and I haven’t seen each other in awhile, and he’s bringing his boyfriend, and it’s…nerve-wracking. I’m excited to see him. It’s been a long time."

"Hmm," Reid said, stroking his chin exaggeratedly. "Seems if I recall correctly the last time you saw Mr. Mayer he told you he didn’t want to be friends, and probably said all kinds of horrible things about me to boot -- which you wisely never shared."

Luke shrugged. "That’s all in the past now."

"Right, because he sent an email and has a new boyfriend. It’s all bygones. I get it," Reid said. He looked through the menu, and shook his head. "You’ve gotta have your happy ending, don’t you? How did I get involved with such a Pollyanna?"

"You didn’t," Luke protested. "I don’t even have braids."

Reid narrowed his eyes and looked over his menu. "That’s Pippi Longstocking. I sometimes fear for the state of Oakdale’s educational system."

"And I wonder how it is you know the difference between Pollyanna and Pippi Longstocking."

"I’m a gay man. Isn’t it to be expected that I be familiar with spunky heroines across all media types?"

Luke narrowed his eyes at him. "Right, but you don’t like media of any type unless it has mobsters or lots of blood."

"For which _you_ thank your lucky stars every day. God only knows how you survived being subjected to years of Mr. Mayer’s art house flicks."

"Yeah, but my point is, you’ve never been one for spunky little girls."

"Spunk-filled boys however…."

"Reid."

"Fine, you’re not going to let this go, are you? My mother read those books to me when I was a kid. I thought Pippi was funny and that Pollyanna was annoying. My mother told me she hoped I’d be more like Pollyanna one day, and I told her she was tripping." He turned back to the menu. "Happy now?"

Luke scooted his chair closer, and Reid could feel his warmth. "Very. Why did she read you those books?"

"I don’t know. Nostalgia? She probably liked them when she was a kid." Reid ran his finger down the list of appetizers trying to decide which one he’d like best. "Guess we’ll never know."

Luke put his arm around Reid’s shoulder, and Reid looked over at him. Luke’s eyes were doing that wide, emotional thing. He always looked like that whenever he tricked Reid into talking about something somewhat sentimental.

"It sucks that there’s so much you don’t know about her."

Reid gave him an affectionate look to take the sting out of his words, saying, "You got your emotional confession out of me. Drop it."

Luke grinned and leaned over for a kiss.

"Hey now, hey now!" Noah’s laughing voice broke through the moment. "None of that!"

Luke broke into a huge smile, and stood up. Reid followed suit, running his eyes over Noah’s long form, noticing the tan, the jeans that fit quite nicely and showed off the goods in an undeniable way, and the blue shirt that made Noah’s eyes stand out.

The man standing next to Noah wasn’t quite as tall, but he was, decidedly, a _man_. Reid always knew that Luke and Noah weren’t right for each other, but now, seeing this man who, according to Noah’s email anyway, was teaching him to understand how love really worked (and how gag-worthy was _that_ comment?), Reid had additional understanding as to why.

Mac Maguire was shorter than Noah, but held himself in a way that made him appear taller. His heavy five o’clock shadow, swarthy skin, and thick eyebrows belied his Irish name, indicating some Middle Eastern genes in the mix. He had one hand on Noah’s lower back, not possessive so much as guiding, and when Mac put his other hand out to shake Luke’s, he nodded with a firm, dominant warmth that was nothing like Richard’s spastic personality, or Luke’s fast-paced enthusiasm.

In addition, there was a black, leather band around Noah’s neck, barely visible under his collar, about the width of a finger, and pretty discreet. Reid wasn’t a stranger to the concept of power plays between couples -- the washed and unwashed masses of all types tended to frequent hospitals, and Reid had treated his share of dominant and submissive pairs during his time as a doctor -- and given what he knew of Luke’s proclivities in the bedroom, well, that collar spoke _volumes_ about why that relationship hadn’t worked out.

"Mac, this is Luke," Noah said, moving his hand between the two of them, and standing there with a calm, cheerful demeanor unlike anything Reid had ever seen in him before. Whatever Mac did to him when they were alone (something Reid did _not_ want to think about too closely) seemed to have taken the tension and anger out of Noah; a welcome change, as far as Reid was concerned.

"It’s great to meet you," Luke said, and if he seemed at all confused by Noah’s boyfriend’s deportment and appearance, Reid was probably the only one to notice.

"And this is Reid," Noah said, and, yep, there it was, a tinge of the old bitterness.

Mac’s grip was as firm and solid as the rest of him appeared to be, and Reid had a moment where he found himself wanting to take control of the handshake before Mac backed off and their hands gripped with equal strength. Mac smiled, his teeth looking very white against his skin, and his voice matched everything else about him when he said, "Dr. Oliver, Luke, it’s a pleasure."

Reid smirked a little at the way Mac overrode Noah’s introduction of Reid, calling him by his title, showing respect in a traditional way that Reid understood from interacting with his patients involved in that scene. He imagined that if Luke knew that Mac saw Reid as Luke’s dom, he’d be offended or shocked -- probably both.

"Let’s eat," Reid said, after acknowledging a greeting from Noah, and shaking his hand.

Luke clapped his hands and rubbed the palms together. "I’m starving," he said, though Reid knew he was lying. He could tell that Luke was far too nervous to really eat. "The menu here is great; it’s really changed since you were here last, Noah," he babbled on. "They’ve added appetizers and some new dishes, and Reid usually eats enough that I’m afraid I’ll have to carry him out. It’s so good, but --"

Noah chuckled and picked up his menu. "Okay, okay, I get it, Luke. I’m excited to see you, too, but don’t vibrate out of your skin!"

Reid let his lips quirk up as though he thought it was funny, and he looked Luke over carefully, making sure he was doing okay, as Luke laughed at Noah’s joke.

"Let’s choose our food," Mac said. "And then we’ll have plenty of time to talk."

Noah obediently focused on the menu; a few seconds later, he pointed at an item near the bottom. Mac looked away from his own menu, read Noah’s selection and then shook his head. Noah looked a little disappointed, but went back to the menu, chose another item, and Mac shook his head again.

Reid watched Luke watch Noah consult Mac about his food choices. Luke’s expression was pretty amusing. He wondered how long it would take Luke to clue in to what was going on here.

"Ah-ha," Noah said, sounding pleased with himself. "This one?"

Mac looked and nodded. "Good choice. And I’ll be having the steak." He folded the menu, placed it one side.

"They grill a mean steak here," Luke said, leaning forward across the table and wrinkling his nose.

"And what are you having, Luke?" Mac asked, putting his hand on the back of Noah’s chair. .

Luke sighed, leaned back, and looked at Reid with a put-on pout. "Well, not the steak. My overprotective doctor boyfriend here has decided that I need to give up meat and other hard-to-process proteins."

Reid narrowed his eyes at Luke affectionately and took a sip of his beer, saying nothing.

"Why?" Noah asked. He sounded a little skeptical, even a little confrontational. Reid noticed that Mac’s hand moved from the back of the chair to Noah’s shoulder, and his index finger tapped there twice. Noah cleared his throat and took a drink of his water.

Luke sat up straight again and waved at his left side dismissively, saying, "Eh, it’s just the kidney. You know, don’t want to tax it too much."

Mac looked at Noah who swallowed audibly and asked, "Is something wrong with your kidney? Luke, you didn’t say anything --"

"What? No, Noah, it’s fine. Reid’s just...cautious."

"No need to challenge it. The less it has to work, the longer its lifespan," Reid supplied.

Luke looked at him with soft eyes like Reid had just confessed his love to the restaurant at large. Truly, it was ridiculous, but Reid loved how easy it was to please Luke. He’d never understood why it was such a struggle for Noah to give Luke what he needed, but watching the way Mac subtly commanded him made it perfectly clear.

"You never told me that while we were dating," Noah said. The implication that he would’ve made Luke eat differently if he’d known was evident in his voice, along with a barely there accusation. The way Luke’s body tensed, Reid knew that he’d heard it. The two taps on Noah’s shoulder from Mac’s index finger showed that he had, as well.

Noah slumped a little, as though he’d been chastised, and mumbled, "Sorry. I’m glad Reid’s looking out for you."

"Thanks," Luke said, and he sounded confused.

Reid coughed into his napkin to keep from laughing.

"He takes good care of you, then," Mac said as a statement of fact.

Luke turned his attention to Mac. "Who? Reid? Yeah, I mean, that’s what you do when you love somebody, right? You take care of them." Luke looked at Noah and his smile softened. "I’m just glad that Noah finally found someone that he can let take care of him, too."

Mac gave Luke a very sweet smile, clearly finding Luke pretty adorable.

"It’s not that I didn’t want you to help me --" Noah began in a tone of voice that Reid could only characterize as hostilely whiny. Again, Mac’s fingers moved and Noah shut up, moving his own hands to his lap and looking down at them.

Luke stared at Noah, his mouth set in a line, and his eyes widening with a glimmer of comprehension.

The server showed up then and took their orders. Noah remained silent as Mac told the waiter what they would both have. Luke was so discombobulated by Noah’s behavior that Reid ended up doing the same for them.

"...and two plates of fries," Reid said, finishing up his own order. He waited a moment, saw that Luke couldn’t seem to stop staring at the leather around Noah’s neck, and went on, "He’ll have the Cobb salad, with ranch, and -- do you want those apples?" He waited but Luke gave no answer. "The glazed apples."

The table languished for a moment in awkward silence when the server hurried off to put their order in.

Mac took up the slack in the conversation. "So, Reid, you’ve been quiet. The strong, silent type, I guess?"

Noah snorted, and Mac actually said, "Stop," under his breath. Noah swallowed hard, took another drink of his water, and mumbled something like sorry.

"Oh, no, he talks," Luke said, distractedly, his attention still focused on Noah. "It’s better for everyone, though, if he doesn’t."

Mac looked at Noah as though he was expecting some smart-ass comment, but Noah’s eyes remained down, and he moved slightly toward Mac, as though trying to get some reassurance from him. Reid realized that Luke was also scooting closer, his body leaning into Reid, clearly seeking the same thing.

"I have to admire a man who tells it like he sees it," Mac said.

Reid said, "Too much time is wasted on small talk."

"I agree."

Luke was sitting so close to Reid that he could feel the shifting muscles in Luke’s arm as he twisted his napkin in his lap. Noah looked sideways at Mac, and then brought his hand up to rest on the table, visibly relaxing when Mac covered it with his own.

Reid stretched his arm along the back of Luke’s chair, pressing the length of it against Luke’s shoulders. "So, let’s cut the crap," Reid said. "Luke’s going to combust if he has to keep pretending -- and, by the way, keep your day job, Luke; you’re no actor -- that he hasn’t noticed Noah’s collar or anything else. So -- let’s just air it out. You boss him around, maybe punish him a little, he likes it, you like it. Now -- there. All’s out in the open. We get it. It’s good."

Luke sighed and slumped his shoulders in resignation, sending Reid some glances, clearly despairing of his social skills.

Mac laughed a little, revealing some lines around his eyes that made it even more clear that he was a good number of years older than Noah, but considering Reid had caught himself a young ‘un, too, he had no problem with that.

Mac nudged Noah with his arm and said, "Go on, you need to tell him yourself or he’ll misconstrue the whole thing. You remember what you thought about Mike and Alan when you first met them. So...go ahead."

Noah looked desperately uncomfortable, but Reid understood that this was part of it, humiliation -- large or small -- often brought the sub around to confronting their fears within a safe space and with the dom’s protection, and the sub would come out stronger, more self-accepting on the other side of it.

"You don’t have to --" Luke started, but Reid put his hand on Luke’s arm to stop him. Noah had chosen this lifestyle and this partner, and he might even be disciplined later if he didn’t do as he was told, so Luke shouldn’t encourage him otherwise.

"I...I..." Noah gritted his teeth together, swallowed hard, and looked completely embarrassed.

Luke reached out and put his hands over Noah’s on the table. "It’s okay," he said. "You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to --"

"Stop!" Noah said, jerking his hands away. "Just stop! I have to do this, okay? And you won’t understand, but I need to do this _my_ way."

Luke’s eyes were wide, and his lips held tight like he was hurt to the quick by Noah’s outburst.

Mac frowned, and he put his arm around Noah’s shoulder, which was sort of awkward given their height differences. "Hey," he said, his tone full of authority and strength. "I know this is hard for you, confronting your past and being honest about your present, but that’s no way to treat a fellow sub. Calm down. Take a drink. Get it together."

Luke blinked and looked at Reid and then at Mac, babbling, "Wait, wait, there’s some confusion, I’m not...I’m not a sub. I -- tell him, Reid, that we...I mean, we’re --"

"Shh," Reid said, nodding his head at Noah. "This is _his_ moment, and you’re screwing it up for him. Let him talk, and then later you can tell Mac and Noah about all the kinky things we do in bed which absolutely _aren’t_ power plays, okay?"

Luke looked flabbergasted and embarrassed, but he rubbed his hands over his face, took a breath, and then put his palms face down on the table, leaning forward and saying, "Okay, you’re right. This isn’t about me." He took another deep breath and let it out before saying, "Noah, is there something you want to tell me? Something you need me to know?"

Noah shifted uncomfortably and Reid momentarily wondered if he had a plug in his ass. That would be far too amusing, in his opinion, but he really wouldn’t put it past Mac given what little he’d seen of him.

Noah swallowed again, his Adam’s apple bobbing like it was difficult for him. "Luke, this might be the last time you see me for awhile."

Mac tapped Noah’s arm with his finger.

"I mean, it is. It _is_ the last time you’ll see me for awhile. And you won’t be able to reach me by phone or email either. I -- I wanted to tell you in person. I wanted you to meet Mac, so you’d understand." He was pleading with Luke now, his face all twisted with fear of what Luke might say, or maybe with the difficulty of being so vulnerable. God knew Reid hated the feeling.

"Why won’t I see you or be able to reach you?" Luke sounded pretty damn freaked out by that, and Reid put a hand on his shoulder.

"I’m...I’m going with Mac to a place. In South America. It’s a...it’s a...." He squinted his eyes in frustration and looked down at the table. "I can’t. I need to. Mac?"

Mac pulled Noah down so that his head was on Mac’s shoulder, another awkward position for them given their size, and he whispered something in Noah’s ear.

Noah nodded, and he sat up straight again. He said, "I’m sorry this is hard for me to admit. Mac’s great, I mean, he’s so patient with me while I learn this."

"Learn what, Noah?" Luke asked.

"Learn how to be a submissive." Noah visibly swallowed again. It was like a tick when he was nervous.

"A submissive," Luke repeated. "I don’t get it. You submit to him? Sexually?"

Noah nodded.

"And you like that?"

Noah leaned back his chair, sticking his legs out a little, and crossing his arms over his chest. "Listen, it’s not your business what I --" he started in.

"No, of course it isn’t," Luke said. "But you’re the one who wanted to meet, you’re the one who wanted to tell me about this, unless...you didn’t?" He looked at Mac.

"No!" Noah protested, sitting up again. "I did want to tell you. It was my idea and Mac okayed it."

"He okayed it? He okayed you talking to your friend? Is that what you’re telling me, Noah?" Luke’s voice was raised now, high pitched and disbelieving.

"It’s...it’s not like that," Noah said, and he looked to Mac for help.

"Noah made a choice to sign on as my submissive," Mac said calmly. "When he did that, there were certain agreements he chose to abide by: one -- I get approval on all of his communications, two -- he spends six months in the scene with me at our resort in Argentina --"

"So, you alienate him from his family and friends, and anyone with his best interest at heart --"

" _I_ have his best interest at heart," Mac interrupted Luke.

Reid watched Luke sit back at Mac’s authoritarian tone, reacting to it the same way Luke reacted when Reid used a similar tone in the bedroom. Luke wasn’t entirely convinced, though. Reid could see that, too.

"What else have you made him give up?"

"I don’t _make_ him do anything, Luke," Mac said. "He’s free to leave. He chooses to stay."

"Because you threaten him with withholding your love? Because he thinks you won’t love him anymore if he doesn’t do what you say?"

"No," Mac said. "That’s not how this works. I know that might be how you think of it, given how Noah abused you during your relationship, often holding his love up as a carrot only to snatch it away again --"

Noah looked suitably ashamed at that, but also like it was a struggle not to defend himself. For the first time, Reid didn’t want to strangle him for what he’d done to Luke -- well, only a little. The kid had been desperate for someone to make him submit, and Luke wasn’t ever going to be the one to make him do that. Not beyond a little play now and again, anyway.

"But I love Noah no matter what he chooses."

"Luke, it’s not like that," Noah said. "Mac takes good care of me, and he loves me. A lot. And I love him. And...it’s hard to admit this, because part of me still doesn’t want it to be true, but I _need_ this Luke."

"You need what, Noah? To have someone tell you what to eat, and what to do, and who you can talk to? Someone to take away your free will? What happened to ‘I need my space, Luke’, ‘I need to do it by myself, Luke’, what happened to _that_ , Noah?"

"I...did need...all of that. When I was...with. When I was with _you_ , Luke."

"What does _that_ mean?" Luke exclaimed.

Reid saw the waiter walking toward their table with the tray of their food. At Luke’s words, she turned around and walked back toward the kitchen. Just great. Reid was really hungry.

"I just mean -- I just mean, you -- you couldn’t give me what I need, Luke. You never could."

Luke sat back in his chair, letting out a cynical huff. "Oh, right, so we’re at this again. It’s _my_ fault things fell apart, and, what? Somehow it’s _my_ fault that you’ve taken up with Captain Controlling here, and --"

Reid squeezed Luke’s arm.

"No!" Noah said. "No, Luke! You’ve got it all wrong. It’s not about you. It’s about _me_. Don’t you understand?"

"No, obviously I don’t, Noah! I don’t understand."

Mac looked at Reid.

Reid shook his head. "Don’t look at me. You’re the ones who got him all riled up and now I’ll have to hear about it for weeks. You fix it."

"Well, actually, Dr. Oliver, you’re the one who brought it up. But, you’re right that we are the reason he’s upset." Mac sighed. "Luke, from what I understand, you’ve said it yourself: you and Noah were never right for each other. And now you have Reid, who _is_ right for you, correct me if I’m wrong --"

Luke looked at Reid and slumped down a little, obviously backing off.

"And Noah found _me_. You don’t have to understand what happens between the two of us. You don’t need to share a need for it, or a liking of it. What I do want you to get is that Noah loves you, and he always will. He didn’t want you to worry about him. He wanted you to see that he’s fine, and to hear from him where he’s going and why. I have no problem with Noah contacting you when the training is over. Once we’ve returned to L.A., he’ll be able to call you and email if that’s what you both want. Though, given how this conversation has gone, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea for either one of you."

Noah looked to Mac and lowered his head, obviously still uncomfortable with having everything bared here at the table.

"And you agree with this, Noah?" Luke asked, sounding pretty angry, still.

"Yeah," Noah said, nodding. "I do."

"Okay --" Luke said. "Fine."

"So, we can eat then?" Reid asked, hopefully.

Luke groaned and elbowed him, trying to chuckle a little, but failing, before slumping against Reid’s side like he needed the comfort. Reid pulled him closer, kissed the side of his forehead, and waved the waiter back over; at least he could finally get some food.

::::

The rest of dinner went a little more smoothly. Mac turned out to be pretty amusing as he told stories about the industry in L.A.. He’d started out as a stunt double, apparently -- not for anyone famous, and not on a regular basis -- but he’d been in it long enough to come out with some good tales to last the rest of his life. Which he was lucky to have, given that his final stunt had landed him in the hospital with a broken back.

"Still can’t feel temperatures with my left side," Mac said, chuckling. "Gotta test the shower water with my right hand, but given how it could have ended up, that doesn’t seem like a big deal."

Noah gazed at Mac like he was a hero of some kind, and Reid covered an amused smile.

"So, how did you meet Noah?" Luke asked, a little stiffly. Reid knew Luke wasn’t going to forgive Mac easily, not when he still didn’t get it.

Mac looked to Noah, and Reid was relieved for everyone when Noah grinned and started talking with some ease. At least it wasn’t like it had been earlier when Noah had barely been able to get a word out of his mouth for nerves and resentment.

"I was working with this documentary group, mainly acting as a runner, but it was a pretty good entry level job. Anyway, so, they were doing an in depth film on the scene --"

"The scene?" Luke asked.

"Oh, the, uh, BDSM scene in L.A.," Noah said. "It’s pretty big there. A lot of groups. Different practices and subsets."

"So, there are what? BDSM specialties?" Luke pressed his thigh against Reid’s and took a small bite of salad.

Mac grinned. "Something like that. Different groups have different rules, sets of values, things they agree on."

"Yeah," Noah said. "And James, that’s the guy I was working for, he knew someone in Mac’s group, this guy, Mike, and he’d gotten an all clear for us to film some of the scenes -- uh, you know, um, sexual scenes between doms and subs at some parties." Here Noah swallowed nervously again.

"And that’s where you met?"

Noah looked at Mac. "Kinda. I mean, yeah. He was there with Sam, another one of his subs, doing a scene for the movie."

"Wait, what? Another one of his subs?" Luke looked between them, and put his fork down. "I don’t understand."

"It’s...uh, it’s different," Noah said. "For me. For us. Um, I love Mac...but it’s not like, you know, romantic love? Like, what we have goes beyond that. It’s, uh, pure."

"Pure?" Luke said, crossing his arms over his chest. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Well, I guess --" He looked to Mac who didn’t step in to rescue him. "For me, I just need something different. I mean, don’t get me wrong. What we had was really...great, and seeing how much you love Reid is, well, it’s hard, but it’s also good, you know? It’s right for you. But I’m not like you. Right now, where I am in my life? Romantic love just, it just feels wrong to me, it feels weak, and I have to learn to be weak, Luke. I have to learn that, and it’s hard. So hard. I’m not very good at it yet."

Mac put his hand over Noah’s, and nodded a reward his way. Noah looked relieved, and gazed at Mac for a moment, seeming to take strength from him.

"What Noah is saying, Luke," Mac started, "is that where we are right now in our relationship is a training phase. I’ve had other subs, but, right now, Noah is my priority. I’d already been in the process of letting Sam go. He wanted to move on to some harder training, steps that aren’t my forte, and we’d just found the right dom, someone I respect and trust, to take him on when I met Noah."

Luke’s eyes were so wide that Reid didn’t think he’d ever seen him that shocked. "So, wait, let me get this right -- you met each other at some filming of a BDSM scene, and what? You just suddenly _knew_ , Noah? You just knew this was right for you? I don’t believe that. I mean, when we were together, how often did you tell me how wrong all of that was, how sick?"

Noah swallowed, gritted his teeth, and Mac’s finger tapped his fist on the table, like a gentle reminder that Noah should heed. "It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t easy for me. I just...I know what I said to you before, but, Luke, when you wanted me to do those things to you...it just...I couldn’t _respect_ you for wanting that, don’t you see?"

"But you respect yourself? Noah, I don’t understand."

"He’s a sub, Luke," Reid said around a bite of Luke’s glazed apples that were just sitting there going to waste. "He needs to be commanded, reprimanded, disciplined. It’s not about kinky fun playtimes for him."

"Exactly," Mac said. "This is a way of life, Luke. It’s not about romantic love, or playful sex; it’s about admitting that deep down we can’t function without this in our lives. Noah needs someone to take control of him, bend him to their will, and force him to submit."

Luke’s nostrils flared, and Reid wasn’t at all surprised when Luke snapped, "And what about you? What do you get out of this? What’s your damage that you need to control someone so badly?"

Reid glanced to Mac and noticed with pride that Mac was impressed. The expression on his face when he looked to Reid said it all: spunky sub you’ve got there. Reid shrugged. Mac was obviously so absorbed in his subculture that provided him with what he needed, that he saw the whole world through that lens.

"I get to explore the boundaries of how much I can love."

Reid hadn’t been expecting that answer, and obviously neither was Luke. He wasn’t sure if it was bullshit either, now that he _had_ heard it, but Mac went on, "Taking on the responsibility of a full-time submissive is a huge undertaking, and an exercise in finding out just how big my love can be. It might not be your kind of love, Luke, but it’s love all the same."

Mac leaned forward, his self-contained assurance in every word. "I take responsibility for making sure that Noah is healthy, that he’s growing as a person, that he’s being challenged every day to be the best person he can possibly be, and for Noah that means submitting, that means not fighting when he’s given an order. There are no off days. No vacations. I have to begin each moment of each day prepared to fulfill my obligation to him, prepared to force him to comply, to punish him when he doesn’t, to deal with his pain, his disappointment in himself, and to always deal in the most immediate way with any disappointment I feel in him."

"Or?"

Mac shrugged. "If I lose control, then I’ve lost the right to command him. And Noah needs to be commanded, Luke. He thrives under my hand. He’s at peace when he knows that he’s not in control and never will be. He can relax. None of that was something he was capable of in your relationship, and that was not a failing of yours. Do you understand, Luke? You were unsuitable for each other, because you required different things."

"Noah?" Luke asked, and Reid squeezed Luke’s hand in reassurance when Noah nodded his agreement with Mac’s words.

"He takes good care of me, Luke," Noah said. "I know you don’t understand, but I promise you -- I’ve never been so happy."

"Really, Noah? Because you don’t look happy."

Noah laughed. "Because I’m embarrassed, but after a scene, Luke...I can’t describe it. But it’s like I’m free and all that stuff that holds me back, that made me hurt you so much? It’s gone. I feel full of love and like there’s so much possibility in the world." He snorts. "Then all the bad stuff comes back, and we have do it all again, but I know that one day, really, truly, it’ll be gone. And then maybe I can look for romantic love again. And maybe I won’t. Maybe this is the right kind of love for me."

Reid watched as Luke looked between them, and slowly nodded. "Okay. I don’t know what else to say. But, okay, Noah. If this is what you want. _Who_ you want."

Noah didn’t look entirely relieved but he relaxed when Mac put his hand on the back of Noah’s neck and rubbed there gently. Reid put his arm around Luke’s shoulder and said, "So, with that out of the way, let’s pay the bill and get the hell out of here. You said what you needed to say, Luke heard you, and I’m ready to forget this whole night even happened."

Noah looked at Luke who was still fidgeting with discomfort. "Yeah, well, good luck with that," Noah said, and Reid couldn’t help but chuckle.

Parting ways, Mac suggested that Noah and Luke meet alone tomorrow for a last goodbye.

"Unsupervised?" Luke said, bitterly.

"Yeah," Mac said. "I think that would be best. I’m sure you have questions for Noah that are for his ears alone, and I think he can handle them."

"He thinks Noah can ‘handle them’," Luke said in a nasty voice a few minutes later as he climbed in the driver’s seat of the car and slammed the door. "And I thought _you_ were a control freak. Your cracked-out rules about toothbrushes, laundry, and hand-washing aren’t looking half so bad. At least you don’t tell me who I can talk to and when, or punish me if I order the wrong food."

"Careful," Reid said, peeking inside the take-out box to make sure the waitress had put the rolls in, too. "I’m getting all kinds of good ideas."

Luke huffed a laugh. "Shut up. You would never."

Reid smirked. No, he would never, because that wasn’t his style, and he loved all of Luke’s exasperating impulsiveness and messy emotions. Still, the idea of punishments wasn’t all bad. Playful punishments. For disobedience. Reid liked the idea very much.

::::

"Do you really think that’s normal?" Luke asked, brushing his teeth and spitting into the sink.

Reid shrugged. "Who cares? He’s not going to hurt him. Well, he _is_ going to hurt him, but only in the way Noah likes. So."

"Yeah, but, I’m just worried about him. I mean, he’s had so little love in his life, Reid. Noah had a kind of screwed up childhood. His dad was totally controlling and -- oh."

Reid smirked. "Yeah. Oh."

Luke followed him from the bathroom, his hair sticking up in wet, messy spikes from having rubbed a towel over it after his shower. He was wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt he’d brought over months ago and just always left behind. Reid was content in his boxer-briefs and socks.

"So, you really think he’s got daddy issues he’s resolving with kinky sex?" Luke asked.

"I never said that. But if the shoe fits."

"How does that _work_ exactly?" Luke asked, flopping back against the pillows hard enough that the wrought iron bed that had been Katie’s grandmother’s once upon a time, and which Reid still used because he’d grown accustomed to it, amongst other reasons, banged gently against the wall. Luke stared up at the ceiling.

Reid’s eyes followed the line of Luke’s jaw and throat, down over his t-shirt, and came to rest on the lump of Luke’s package nestled in his boxers. He smirked, and reached down, pulling off his socks.

"Well, you’ve got some daddy issues yourself, you know," Reid said. "Good Dad, Bad Dad, and really who’s who there? So hard to tell sometimes."

Luke snorted.

"You know, I don’t want you to call me daddy, because ew," Reid said, as he climbed onto the bed, and took hold of Luke’s wrist, pinning it to one of the bars of the wrought iron bed, and quickly tying it there with one of his socks. "But I could _show_ you how that works exactly."

Luke pulled on the restraint a little, a laughing smile on his face, as he whispered, "Oh, yeah? Daddy?"

"Ew." Reid shuddered. "I _will_ gag you," he said, tying Luke’s other wrist with the other sock. "So unless you want me to stuff some underwear in your mouth, can it with the gross daddy stuff."

Luke laughed, pulled with both arms, and the head board banged against the wall. "Kinky."

"Mmm-hmm. Now," Reid said, pulling off Luke’s boxers, pleased to see Luke’s cock was already hard. "Show me your hole."

Luke stared at him a moment and then lifted his legs, knees to his chest, exposing himself entirely to Reid.

"That’s good," Reid said. "Very good."

He slid over and opened the bedside table, pulling out the lube. He slicked the fingers of his hand with it, and said, "How much can you take? Show me how much you want me."

He started with one finger, working it into Luke’s tight hole, rubbing the pad of his finger around the spasming pucker, and slipping it in to tug at the sides. He was careful not to touch anything but Luke’s hole, just teasing him there with slick sensation and pressure, fucking him open with his fingers.

"More," Luke panted.

"Stop talking," Reid said. "I decide if you get more. I decide if you move. I decide when you come."

Luke made a noise, but it wasn’t a word, and Reid smirked. Luke’s head was tipped back, his mouth open, and his cheeks stained as he held his hips still, taking in Reid’s fingers, and it wasn’t long before he was tossing his head back and forth on the pillow, humping Reid’s four fingers, despite not having been given permission to move yet. Reid pulled his hand out, smacked Luke’s ass cheek hard enough that he yelped, and said, "You’ll move when I say. Hold yourself still. And don’t come."

Luke whimpered but went still. His eyes were screwed shut, and Reid made a note to have a blindfold next time.

Luke’s ass tugged at his four fingers as he twisted them in and out. Hot, tight, and gripping. Reid was having a hard time not shoving his underwear down to just push inside. His cock was achingly hard, and it’d left a dark wet place on the fabric of his underwear where he was leaking pre-come. Luke’s ass was open enough to take him easily, and he relished the thought of surprising Luke with his cock while he was busy holding himself still for Reid’s fingers. But he kept on finger fucking Luke until he was tempted to add his thumb, and then Luke made a squeaking sound, and Reid pulled his hand out of Luke’s clenching heat.

"Shh," he soothed, kissing Luke’s knee, his inner thigh, and then his balls and cock, finally coming to his hole and kissing there softly at first. Reid stretched out on the bed, his face in Luke’s crotch, rubbing his hands over Luke’s thighs and ass, blowing cool air on Luke’s cock and balls, which were drawn up tight already.

Luke’s asshole was clenching and Reid wanted to keep it open, so with a fast, open mouthed kiss to Luke’s cock head, licking away the pre-come drooling from it, he slid down and started licking Luke’s hole, twitching his tongue against it, feeling it convulse under him, and Luke’s hips arched up, eagerly, a soft, low moan coming down to him with every flick of his tongue.

"Mmm, you taste good," Reid said, loving the musk of Luke. He didn’t eat him nearly as long as he wanted to, because his own cock was becoming rather demanding in its need for attention. He shoved his underwear down with one hand, lurched up to kiss Luke’s mouth, moaning as Luke licked and licked trying to get all of his own taste off of Reid’s tongue. He shoved Luke’s shirt up, pinching at his nipples, and he didn’t even need to line up, his cock slipping down Luke’s now wet crack until it pressed against Luke’s still gripping asshole, and Reid _thrust_.

Luke groaned, his head jerking back, and his arms tugging on the socks tying him, as his body opened, and Reid slid in with a long, hard, push that broke Luke out in a sweat, like a moist heat rising between them, and Luke twisted his hips, trying to accommodate it, cursing under his breath. Reid held fast, all the way inside, and he closed his eyes against Luke’s open, wet mouth, his scrunched up eyes, and his hard nipples turning purple in Reid’s harsh grasp. Luke squirmed under him, and moaned, "Fuck, yes, Reid." Reid pinched even harder until Luke cried out, and then he let go, drawing his hips back to thrust back in hard and fast, pounding into Luke, as Luke’s voice jittered a long wail of pleasure. .

"Oh, God," Luke whimpered. "Gonna come. Please. Can I come?"

Reid loved that about Luke. He was one of the few men he’d ever been with who’d spontaneously come without having his cock touched. It was sexy, no it was _hot as hell_ to watch Luke fall apart with pleasure and shoot his load all over himself. He’d never managed that himself, and he loved that Luke could do it. But it only happened when Luke was really turned on. When it was really good.

"No," Reid said, fiercely, pegging Luke’s prostate with every harsh stroke. "You’re not allowed to come yet."

Luke twisted. "Oh, fuck," he whispered, and Reid could tell that being denied turned him on even more.

"Don’t come, Luke," he ordered, fucking harder, hitting every button on Luke’s kink list, pinching his nipples, biting his neck, whispering in his ear how good he felt on the inside, how hot, how he could feel Luke’s heartbeat on his cock, and Luke wailed again, squirmed, fought his orgasm with all he had, and _failed_.

Reid smirked as Luke came, and came hard, arching up, and crying out. Reid pulled his cock free, and slapped Luke’s ass hard, a lot harder than he even intended to, and an immediate welt rose up as Luke jerked and came again, more come shooting up to his chin, his neck, and his chest. Reid plowed back into him, watching Luke’s face contort with pleasure and his cock jerk with aftershocks as he fucked him more, and finally he fell face first against Luke’s chest, rubbing his face against Luke’s chest hair as he shot, hard and deep into Luke’s body.

"Fuck," Reid whispered, shaking.

"Mmph."

Reid pulled back, trembling and exhausted, to see Luke staring at him with bright eyes.

"What?" Reid asked, his throat aching from having yelled when he came.

"That was incredible. I liked it."

"Of course you did," Reid said.

"Let’s do it again."

Reid laughed. "Later. I’m about to die here."

Luke tugged at the socks and Reid untied them. "So," Luke said, as he rested his head on Reid’s chest. "Wanna go to South America with me?"

Reid chuckled and ran his hand through Luke’s sweaty hair. "Mmm, no. I think I can teach you everything you need to know right here in Oakdale."

Luke murmured in pleasure and fell asleep.

::::

The next afternoon, Reid was getting the Hungry Man dinner out of the freezer in the hospital break room for his lunch, when Luke walked in with an Al’s diner bag and a kiss for Reid.

"Saved from eating crap once again," Reid said, grabbing the bag, and kissing Luke a second time.

"No, it’s okay, Reid, really, you don’t need to tell me. I know, I know -- I’m the best boyfriend ever," Luke said merrily.

Reid looked at Luke affectionately while chewing the massive bite of sandwich he’d already stuffed in his mouth. He sat down at the table and Luke joined him, jittering his knees up and down, and rubbing his hands together. Reid made an "out with it" motion, rolling his hand at Luke to get him talking. He knew that Luke hadn’t come by just to bring Reid some lunch, and clearly he had stuff he wanted to spill about his meeting with Noah.

"He really likes all that stuff," Luke burst out with.

Reid wiped his mouth with a napkin, swallowed half the mouthful, and said around the other half, "I kinda figured what with the going to South America for it and everything."

"Yeah, he’ll be there six months to a year, depending on how he does. He said that the sex is just part of it, that he lives it all day, and gets Mac’s permission for everything. Although some things he always has permission to do, like brush his teeth in the morning. But most everything else, he has to ask."

Reid nodded. He’d heard of people taking it that far, seen it in some patients.

"He has to ask to use the bathroom," Luke said in wonderment. "Doesn’t that seem...I don’t know, infantile?"

Reid shrugged. Luke wasn’t really looking for an answer, heck, he wasn’t even looking at Reid, just staring at the wall behind Reid’s head while he processed.

"I mean, he tells him what to wear, what to say, where go, if he can take a leak, when he can come, who he has sex with."

Reid looked up at that. "Excuse me?"

Luke nodded vigorously, wide eyes still searching the wall. "He lets other people fuck Noah, as like, I don’t know, some kind of endurance thing? It has to do with submission, and learning that he’s not in control of his body, and that what happens to his body, and who does it to him is Mac’s decision. It’s Mac’s job"

"And Mac delegates," Reid said.

Luke nodded. "It’s part of teaching him that he is his behavior, and his behavior is submission."

Reid’s eyebrows were at his hairline, he knew, but this was kinky stuff, and he could tell that Luke wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

"Yeah," Luke went on. "And Noah said he hated it at first, but then, in end, after he’d made himself do it, he’d realized that it was good. Mac being there, holding him while five other guys...yeah. Um, they used condoms," Luke said, but he looked completely freaked out.

"That’s a pretty intense thing to hear," Reid said, going for supportive, trying not to be judgmental. If Noah and Mac wanted to share, bully for them. Reid wasn’t the sharing kind.

"I...don’t know what to think. He...he made me feel like so much crap when we were together, just for little things. Like how I liked it rough, and now he’s doing all of these things that I would never ever want." Luke swallowed and Reid chewed more sandwich, listening for all that Luke didn’t say, relieved that Luke wasn’t titillated but just concerned. "He said it took him awhile to reconcile it in himself. He said that he almost quit the documentary because he’d been so freaked out by how drawn he was to the scene. And then Mac approached him, said he’d seen how Noah reacted, and that he could help him."

"Are you okay?" Reid asked, putting the sandwich down for a minute.

Luke nodded, looked to Reid with wide eyes, and said, "Yeah. I’m okay. He’s already gone. I think he knows what he’s doing."

Reid leaned over and kissed Luke, rubbing the back of his neck, and pushing their foreheads together. "It’s okay, Luke."

"You think so?"

Reid didn’t really know. He couldn’t say for sure. " _You’ll_ be okay," Reid said instead.

Luke nodded.

Reid pulled Luke close, smelled his hair, and kissed his neck. As he ate the rest of his sandwich, he listened to Luke talk more about Noah’s revelations, and was thankful that Noah had shared it all with Luke. If there was ever evidence that he and Luke just weren’t meant to be, this was it.

Reid cleared up his mess, and threw it in the trash, and Luke stood by and watched, hands in pockets, a pensive expression on his face. He thought about what Mac had said about discovering how big he could love, and Noah’s belittling of romantic love as something impure, something less than what Noah shared with Mac, and he smirked.

"What?" Luke asked.

Reid took Luke’s face in his hands and kissed him hard,sucking in Luke’s bottom lip, pulling him close, loving him bigger and better than Mac and Noah could ever dream.

"I love you, Mr. Snyder."

Luke grinned. "You do, huh?"

"Yeah, and just so we’re clear, I’m talking about the big, damn romantic love, okay? None of this ‘pure’ bullshit for me. I like it messy and out of control, got it?"

Luke’s dimples made Reid want to kiss him again, and so he did, and he was still kissing him up against the wall when a nurse walked in, gasped "Sorry, Dr. Oliver," and walked right back out.

Reid wondered if he could find a way to blame Luke for getting caught, use it as an excuse to punish him later. And by ‘punish’ he meant tie him up and fuck him silly. He was absolutely sure Luke would have no problem with that.

And, sure enough, later that evening, Luke agreed urgently that, yes, of course he was to blame for the nurses gossiping about them making out in the break room, and, yes, it was all his fault, and, "oh, God, Reid, fuck me harder!"

Afterward, Luke pulled Reid down to his chest, kissed the top of Reid’s head, and said, "Well, that was hot, huh?"

"And not pure at all," Reid muttered. "Just the way I like it."

Luke laughed, sounding lighter than he had since before they had dinner with Mac and Noah, and he rolled Reid over, proceeding to make another big, romantic mess of love between them.

THE END  


**Author's Note:**

>  **Discussion**
> 
> First, hopefully I have been respectful to the BDSM community. I am not, myself, a member, though I have tried to do a lot of research over the years as I've written stories that involve it. I understand that some of this might not be very accurate in terms of how things happen exactly, but hopefully the spirit is acceptable. As my girl Jed pointed out, to be at the collaring stage, Noah is not very good at being a sub. :) We'll just have to go with it, though, for the purposes of this story.
> 
> Second, I have given a ton of thought to Noah over the last year. It's kind of crazy how much I've thought about him, and after tons of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that the main problem with his relationship with Luke is that they were both subs. Not official BDSM subs, but, in general, every person tends to be a little more subby or more dommy, at least most of the time, and I think that Luke likes to be mostly _taken_ , and I think that, in the end, Noah does, too. But I also think that Noah could have never stomached being _taken_ by Luke. Mainly because I think that Noah is a reluctant/resentful sub.
> 
> Well, maybe I should explain how I even got here. :) I started thinking about Noah throughout his storyline, and it seemed clear to me that he never respected Luke. I think that he might've loved him with some version of love, but respected him? Never. And I think that Noah is the kind of guy who really needs to respect the person he's in a relationship with, or he just treats them like crap. This is probably due to his childhood damage, but that's an aside. (And, btw, I do not buy into Nukie fanon that Noah's father was a horrible abusive monster. Noah said himself that his father was strict, controlling, cold, but never violent.)
> 
> So, I started to think about what kind of man Noah _did_ seem to respect based on what we saw in canon. There were some examples that came to mind immediately:
> 
> a) his father  
> b) Dusty Donovan  
> c) Damian (he flip-flopped on him, but was always kind of easily intimidated by him in person)  
> d) Reid (I actually see so much of his behavior re: Luke during the Reid part of the blindness storyline to be almost approval-seeking with Reid, like "See, I did what you wanted and then some (and it works out great for me, too, btw), do I get a cookie from you?" and then was surprised when Reid didn't really seem that willing to pat him on the head over it.)
> 
> So - toppy, dommy man's men for the most part. Not people who treated Noah with loving kindness and kid-gloves, but men who just treated him like, "YOU WILL RESPECT ME," and Noah _did_ and worked hard to get their approval for the most part. Especially with his father (and Reid).
> 
> And with that entire thought process, this story came into my head of Noah in L.A. working on a documentary as a kind of bottom feeder, and getting totally sucked into the scene, and loads and loads of ideas of Noah being a reluctant sub and loving to hate submitting. But, in the end, I didn't want to write a long story about that, nor did I think it would have an audience. Still, it wouldn't leave me alone. So, I compromised, and started to wonder what Reid and Luke would make of Noah's new life and partner, and...voila! This story was born!
> 
> So...that's that. :) Feel free to discuss in comments!! Or not! You know, whatever floats your boats!! Thank you for reading!


End file.
